Christmas Classifieds
Apology: The illustration of the Panasonic Cordless Phone (Model KX-T4026AL) on page 16 of the Optus World Christmas catalogue currently being distributed shows the incorrect handset for the advertised model. The correct handset does not have an intercom button. Optus apologises for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Listings of public institutions for sale or tender which were advertised in previous ALP Christmas catalogues are no longer available. The items listed have all been sold. The Australian Labor Party apologises that it can no longer fulfil outstanding orders.
Dooley, Hubert — late of the Woorabinda Aboriginal community — passed away. Husband of Dulcie, esteemed elder. Relatives and friends are respectfully invited to attend his service on Tuesday, December 3, 1996. GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.
Warrants Outstanding. Notice is hereby given that the Queensland police force intends to serve 388 outstanding warrants on members of the Woorabinda Aboriginal Community for offences recorded as drunk and disorderly, failure to pay traffic fines or to appear in court. SADLY MISSED BUT NOT AGAIN — Members of the Rockhampton Police Station are hereby requested to form cortege leaving station, 8am.
For Sale — Telstra. "I bring you tidings of great joy." Australia's largest listed company. Conservatively valued at $8 billion, this 33.3% holding is floating your way. O BRAVE NEW WORLD THAT HAS SUCH ENTERPRISE IN IT! Wealth and Happiness for the year ahead. Much love, John Howard and family.
Apology. On behalf of the Australian Democrats and Greens, we wish to apologise for our disappointing performance during 1996. We can only do our best and next year are sure to do better (just so long as we don't obstruct the business of good government). Cheryl Kernot and Bob Brown. (PS: Peace on earth and good will to all our constituents.)
Thanks. ASK ST CLARE for 3 favours: 1 for business and 2 for the impossible; say 9 Hail Marys for 9 days with a lighted candle, pray believing it is so. Publish on 8th day, your request will be granted. Thank you for prayers answered. — John Howard.
Harradine and Colston, Senators and Certified Practising Independents, do hereby make the following declaration: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Give-away Christmas Promotion. The Australian Federal Parliament (Promoter) wishes to announce the winner for its 1996 "Who Dares Wins" competition. This year's winner — by a very large margin — is, once again, Australian capital. Congratulations. The cheque is in the mail.
Karl Marx. Would Mr Karl Marx, formerly of Britain, Germany and France and last seen in a casket in Highgate Hill, London, England, during the year of 1883 please contact Mr. D.J. Riley c/o the Sunshine Post Office (via Virginia) because his presence is urgently needed. Message reads: COME BACK KARL! WE STILL HAVE A WORLD TO WIN!
Dave Riley