Prime suspects
To all men in Wee Waa: if you're innocent you've got nothing to worry about. How many men can say that!
Just as soon as the results come back from the lab, you'll be among the fortunate few in Australia who we know did not bash and rape the little old lady in question.
You may, if you wish, apply for a certificate stating that fact — on quality embossed paper, ready for framing. Just the thing for a CV or the den wall.
We have been inundated with requests from all over the country from men seeking to be tested as you were. There's not a day goes by without Sydney police HQ receiving hundreds of spittle samples through the post.
I guess your average Australian male is as keen as you are to clear themselves of any suspicion of wrongdoing. We in the NSW police force appreciate this enthusiastic cooperation from within the wider community of Australian manhood. Rest assured we are working around the clock trying to eliminate suspects.
However, despite the very latest in DNA testing technology, at the last count we still have 9,457,428 post-pubescent males to vet. This will take some time and the NSW police force apologises for the inconvenience of any outstanding doubt that may still be affixed to the character and good standing of the nation's many bearers of the XY chromosome.
We are doing our very best and promise to let you know within five working days of sampling which way you tested.
Since it is sometimes difficult for many of you to maintain optimum working standards while functioning under a cloud of suspicion, we have established a system of prioritisation. You must understand that this was necessary.
As soon as a person of some significance is found to be negative, we feel it is our duty to make that fact public knowledge. To restore confidence, as it were. Each day we will publish lists of community leaders who we now know are in the clear.
As of 9am today the NSW Police DNA testing laboratory is pleased to announce the following bearers of male chromosomes did not rape the woman in question: His Grace Edward Clancy, Catholic Archbishop of Sydney; the honourable John Winston Howard, Prime Minister of Australia; the Reverend Fred Nile, pastor and parliamentarian; Mr Kerry Packer, businessman; all male presenters on Sixty Minutes, A Current Affair, and Better Homes and Gardens; Mr Shane Warne, cricketer; and, finally, His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh (who happened to be in the country at the time of the crime).
If your name is not on this list, we ask you to be patient. Time will tell and, as we say at the NSW Police DNA testing laboratory, "Innocence is its own reward!"
By Dave Riley