Nostradamus' media watch

Issue 

Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

Swinging voters targeted

In an effort to reach the newly identified vital young mobile medium socioeconomic TV-addicted swinging voters, Paul Keating and John Howard agree to another televised debate. However, arguments quickly ensue over a moderator agreeable to both sides. The only single person who is both willing to do the job, and is not vetoed by either side is Agro. The two leaders appear on Agro's Cartoon Connection, dressed as the bananas in pyjamas, B1 and B2, and mime their policies as well as hurling graphic insults at each other. A trial audience, hooked up to people-meters and polygraphs and encephalographs, complains to Amnesty International of torture.

French threat to resume nuclear testing

Jacques Chirac goes on the Euro-Disney Channel to announce that he intends to resume nuclear testing in the Pacific. In a Europe-wide broadcast, partially paid for by the French government, and subsidised by Euro-Disney in line with normal contract performance conditions, he says he is unhappy with the hostile international media. In a choreographed dance sequence with Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse, he says that since he announced the French government's cessation of nuclear testing, he has hardly appeared on TV or on the front pages of global newspapers at all. He also says, while taking part in a formation water ballet performance dressed as a mermaid, that unless the situation is rectified immediately, the next bomb will be bigger than some of the Euro-Disney's multilingual mini-series.

Sri Lankans accuse Australian cricketers

The Sri Lankan Cricket Board accuses the Australian cricket team of hypocrisy for not refusing to play any more matches in England after the resumption of bombing there by the IRA. A spokesperson for the Sri Lankans says the Australian cricket team should announce that it is too scared to play cricket in any country that has bombs — including England, French Polynesia and anywhere Euro-Disney multilingual mini-series are screened.

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