Nostradamus' Media Watch

Issue 

By Craig Cormick

Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

Super League Beleaguered

Having signed up most of the players, coaches and orange boys from the Australian Rugby League, Rupert Murdoch begins offering large cash incentives to potential audiences.

Several ardent ABC Arts National fans are reported to be offered tens of thousands of dollars to switch over to watching football on Sunday afternoons.

The ABC threatens to sue any viewers who defect, but in a series of late-night secret deals, News Ltd wins most viewers by securing the Australian Ballet as the Super League cheer team.

Imelda Rides Again

As the Philippines braces itself for another national election, Imelda Marcos once more buys into the race — buying votes and buying supporters.

She has her late husband, and former president, Ferdinand Marcos' body exhumed and paraded around the nation in a Westinghouse freezer.

Several highly paid zealots proclaim that the icy corpse is an electric religious shrine, and claim to have miraculous cures after touching it, including one woman who claims to be the reincarnation of executed maid Flor Contemplacion. She says she has been saved from the grave solely because she intends to vote for Imelda.

Imelda Marcos admits on a CNN interview that it's not a lot to base a policy platform on, but is marginally more credible than any policy platform from other presidential contenders.

"Waltzing Matilda" not by the Banjo!

With the added publicity given to the centenary of "Waltzing Matilda", a Luxembourg professor of linguistics claims that the song was not written by A.B. Paterson as has long been supposed.

Using sophisticated computer modelling that has already been used to prove Hitler's diaries were fake, and that Ronald Reagan had his press secretary sign his name, she claims that the words of the song were written by William Shakespeare.

Or maybe Francis Bacon.

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