Nostradamus' Media Watch

Issue 

By Craig Cormick

Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen wed

Authors in hiding, Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen, wed in a secret ceremony, somewhere in Scandinavia.

Despite major efforts by international secret service agencies, several field agents from the UK-based professional group "Celebrity Watch" manage to sneak into the ceremony and take photographs.

The pictures are plastered across the world's tabloid presses showing Salman Rushdie in a revealing gym suit with his legs wide apart.

The Iranian Government reacts by assassinating its own field agents and hires Celebrity Watch to fulfil the death sentences on the writers.

Pope issues death threats

In an effort to find some relevance to the modern world, the Vatican commissions the international advertising company, Saccharine and Saccharine, to undertake market research for the next Vatican statement and to put a bit of old-fashioned fear and respect back into religion.

The research shows that the most feared and respected religion are fundamentalist Islamic ones.

The Vatican immediately recalls all its Monsignors and begins drilling them in battle fatigues in Saint Peters Square.

This is shortly followed by a death sentence on writers who publish letters on the ordination of women in the Australian Catholic press.

Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen make an open invitation for house staff skilled in cooking, cleaning and keeping a very low profile.

Haiti invades the US

Tired of waiting for a decision on the on-again-off-again US invasion of Haiti, the crack Haitian home defence guards — the Baby Tontons Macoute — invade the USA.

Using inner-tube supported landing barges, provided by Fidel Castro, and staffed by the inmates of Cuban mental asylums that missed the Mariel flotilla, 2000 heavily armed goons land on the shores of the Yankee imperialist aggressors.

Unfortunately they land late on a Saturday night, and the invasion force has not progressed five blocks into the city before they are mugged, beaten or recruited by cultists.

Haitian military leader, Lieutenant General Raoul Cedras, protests to the United Nations over breaches of the Geneva Convention governing fair warfare.

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