I am sorry
By Brandon Astor Jones
"In the expression of the emotions originality merits the first consideration ... The words used, however, should be old ones." — Fujiwara no Teika (1162-1241)
While the jury was still out, during my resentencing trial in Cobb County, Georgia, I asked one of my lawyers to approach Judge Ken Nix. On my behalf he asked the judge if I could be allowed to apologise to the victim's daughter. When he returned to the tiny cell, he said that the judge said, "It's okay with me if [defence counsel] Tony Axam approves it and the victim consents".
Then a look of sadness came to Mr Gary's face as he went on to explain that the judge's clerk called the prosecutors. Speaking for the young victim, one of them responded, "She is not interested now; he had a chance to do it sooner."
It had been clear to me all along that the prosecutors' real interests were far more deeply rooted in death and revenge than in the young woman's future healing and emotional well-being. Having written the apology two days earlier undaunted, I then wrote the judge as well. As I promised him, I will now share both letters — word for word — with the readers of this column.
To: The Honorable Judge Ken Nix
From: The Defendant Brandon Astor Jones (A.K.A. Wilbur May)
Date: September 22, 1997; 7.07am
Re Communication dated September 20, 1997, to victim(s)
I respectfully request that you, in say a month, mail the enclosed to Mr Tackett's daughter. My hope is that perhaps in years to come she may be better able to appreciate its content. I do not want the prosecution to see/have it unless she feels obliged to show it to them. I will also have it published in my "Looking out" column.
September 20, 1997; 2.12pm
I have waited until the jurors left the court room to say this because I do not want you to misunderstand my motives or doubt my sincerity. That is to say that I do not want it to appear that I am speaking to anyone other than you, yours and mine. For when the verdict is read, no matter whether it turns out to be life or death, I am sure that I will be unable to speak at that time.
Not one moment has passed, since the death of Mr Tackett, that I have not wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
I am sorry.
Mr Axam was absolutely right when he called me "a coward". Every second of my existence has been punctuated with the most profound shame, sorrow and remorse because I did not do more to save Mr Tackett's life.
I will not be so presumptuous as to seek your forgiveness, but I do want you to know that I am sincere when I tell you that I am sorry. As an attorney yourself, surely you know that I would have told you long ago had I not been certain that Messrs Charron, Parker and Cole would have been obliged to use those three words against me somehow in a prosecutorial context that would have stripped those words of their meaning. I did not shoot or kill Mr Tackett. Please know that.
The prosecution is wrong, my remorse for being present when your father was killed is without end. If I were to die tomorrow, the shame that underpins that remorse would cause both to live on in the hearts and souls of those that I love and who love me. I am sorry. I know that those words are too small a comfort, but they are all that I can give you.
If you knew my remorse (and its agony) even a little, you would wish for me to live forever because for me life is a far greater punishment than death. I feel your pain. I am sorry.
[The writer is a prisoner on death row in the United States. He welcomes letters commenting on his columns. He can be written to at: Brandon Astor Jones, EF-122216, G3-77, Georgia Diagnostic & Classification Prison, PO Box 3877, Jackson, GA 30233, USA. Brandon and his friends are trying to raise funds to pay for a lawyer for his appeal. If you can help, please make cheques payable to the Brandon Astor Jones Defence Account and post to 41 Neutral St, North Sydney NSW 2060, or any Commonwealth Bank, account No. 2127 1003 7638.]