By Craig Cormick
Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.
Second beatification
A long line of personalities send telegrams and faxes to the pope, asking him to return to Australia to perform a second beatification upon them for ending the drought.
The more than 20 aspiring saints include Tim Fischer, Bob Hawke, Bob Santamaria and Jeff Kennett. And, as the rains continue falling across the outback, the rural press dedicate large colour features to profiling these saints-to-be.
This soon develops into a media feud, with the front-runners on beatification buying large advertisements to support their claims and to bucket their opponents.
The competition is fierce, and the cost high. Soon only Bob Hawke and Jeff Kennett are left in the saintly sweepstakes.
The Vatican then responds, in its own time, that it is willing to accept the nominations, but only if the candidates are dead.
Jeff Kennett quickly goes public, saying that Bob Hawke is obviously the man they are after — as he's been dead since he was deposed as prime minister.
But as the continued rainfall leads to the worst flooding in both the recorded and mythological history of Australia, Bob Hawke says, "Um — ah — actually I'm agnostic".
Japanese government criticises earthquake survivors' criticisms
The Japanese government goes on the offensive, criticising the complaints of the 300,000 people left homeless around Kobe after the earthquake.
The Japanese Ministry for Relief and Rehabilitation of Disasters, which had previously only assisted the ruling party's inability to find a credible prime minister, says that the expectations of the survivors are too high, and they should be doing more to help themselves.
But the survivors, using the Yakuza cable TV station, says the government should undertake to provide better food, better housing, improved living conditions and an opportunity to appear on a popular TV game show.
The government responds that if it provided that to the survivors, everyone in Japan would want the same.
In a public statement, the ministry says, "We've already given each survivor a Nintendo game and a Godzilla video. What more do they expect for free? We're not a socialist government, you know."