Carlo's Corner: Palmer perfects bastard act, Brown annoys media

April 13, 2012
Image by Matt Walker.

So it has been reported that Clive “Stop Taxing Me” Palmer's main private company, Mineralogy, hasn't paid tax for three years. He really is pulling out all stops to be the best cardboard cutout evil capitalist he can.

You have to wonder what he'll do next. My guess is call a press conference to announce he's established a paramilitary organisation of Nazi kittens dedicated to wiping out what's left of Australia's native fauna.

Palmer is so good at being a bastard billionaire that if he didn't exist, Green Left Weekly would have to invent him. I keep expecting a friend to call me and say: “Oh, and I got you Clive Palmer for your birthday this year — you know, for your column.”

In other news, Greens leader Bob Brown unexpectedly resigned on April 13. Of course, we won't know the real story until the CIA files are declassified, but it did give us the spectacle of hordes of “commentators” trying to pretend they have insight into the Greens.

The stunned press gallery seemed to try to shake off their hangovers to mumble: “What? The Greens? How the fuck would I … alright, stop shouting, head hurts ... ah, well they are clearly fucked without Bob Brown.

“You happy? Can I go get pissed with Labor MPs now?”

Annabel Crabb summed up the corporate media's frustrations by writing that day on ABC's The Drum: “There's more than a whiff of Pyongyang about the suddenness of the move; the Greens are a famously closed party, and not much given to gossiping with journalists ..."

And as any student of history will tell you, the very definition of a Stalinist dictatorship is a stubborn refusal to gossip with the Canberra press gallery.

In fact, many have argued Pol Pot's greatest crime against humanity was his refusal to appear on Crabb's Kitchen Cabinet cooking-with-pollies show.

Obviously, any party that aims to be taken seriously needs to be riven by internal power gangs who leak things constantly to journos to undermine their enemies in the party, thus giving the press gallery a decent heads up of, say, six months that some bastard is going to knife some other bastard.

Frankly, this whole “party leader leaving voluntarily on their own terms to allow others to take over” just seems like a conspiracy deliberately concocted to annoy political commentators.

Regardless, the Greens are clearly fucked without Brown. It is perfectly obvious that any party seeking to challenge the two neoliberal parties — entirely owned by corporations — could only succeed because of the larger-than-life, wacky charisma of the sort for which Brown is so famous.

It is the only possible explanation. Disgust at the right-wing, pro-corporate, pro-war, anti-environment bigoted arseholes that run Labor obviously has nothing to do with it. Any Canberra press hack could tell you that.

Read more Carlo's Corner columns. Follow @carlosands on Twitter.


It's ironic that someone completely devoid of ethics and morals feels qualified to lecture others on that subject.
This column is a perfect display of this rag's cognitive dissonance. You aren't doing yourself any favours here - suggesting that my good mate Clive is a black and white evil billionaire really falls apart when you consider that he bought the proles of the Gold Coast a football team! Huzzah for Clive! They are the ones who failed to turn up and appreciate the benevolent victories which he bought for them, and even had the audacity to question his management. I'd like to see any of them buy their own football team and do a better job! Tax is for the poor to pay. We billionaires have got FAR better things to be doing, like creating jobs and investing in the poor third world economies of countries like Bermuda, the Bahamas, Mauritius and Panama. "Intellectuals" like yourself claim to stand up for the "oppressed masses", but I BET you didn't think about what your absurd prosthelytising for "taxes on the rich" will do to those third-world countries and the people that I presume live in them, DID YOU? You might like to try going out and getting your hands dirty in the real world for a change, like the people I pay to clean my houses. Huzzah to puppet master Palmer! Tyke Oon.
I congratulate you. No one has ever called me an intellectual before, with or without the quote marks. -- Carlo

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