Carlo's Corner: Welcome to the Abbottoir

September 20, 2013
New PM Tony Abbott went on a rampage after being sworn in, killing anything with the word 'climate' in it.

Tony Abbott was officially sworn in as prime minister on September 18 at Government House in a ceremony that seemed to involve the ritual blood sacrifice of public servants.

Featuring the sacrificial slaughter of three top public servants that day, the ceremony appears to have enabled the new PM to commune directly with the Dark Lord Margaret Thatcher from the deep fiery pits of Hell where the baroness demon has presumably dwelt since April.

The blood ritual appears to have granted Abbott the strength to carry out the first stage of his program, involving the slaughter of at least 12,000 public servants.

Empowered, Abbott went on a rampage in the days that followed, killing anything with the word “climate” in it. Renowned scientist Tim Flannery is to be publicly hanged from a Canberra lamppost.

Asylum seekers have joined climate change in the list of things officially abolished by Abbott's government and mentioning them in public is banned. Building workers are believed to be the next to likely have their very existence declared illegal.

With the super powers granted by the spirit of Thatcher, we can expect the new PM to soon turn his attention to the mass destruction of the nation’s wildlife heritage parks before he physically eats what’s left of the Great Barrier Reef.

Meanwhile, the military has been put on notice that it should expect some international travel, with the new defence minister suggesting that no less than Pakistan, Lebanon, Syria, Iran and even Afghanistan again are likely spots for Australian soldiers to help wage war in coming years.

Now, a lot has been made by carping lefties of Abbott's cabinet lacking more than one woman. But those who accuse the new PM of having too few women in his inner-circle of policy makers have clearly forgotten about Gina Rinehart.

She may not have a formal title, but it is only a matter of time before Rinehart is officially declared Overlord of the North Australia Special Economic Zone, with special responsibility for enslaving 457 visa workers and paying no tax.

And it is not that Abbott doesn't care about women's issues. He has appointed his very best man as minister for women — himself.

After all, Abbott did famously say he thought there were some jobs women were simply less suitable for than men, and he did promise to appoint positions on merit, so he gets full points for consistency.

And it is not like he won't have help. Western Australian Senator Michaelia Cash has been made Minister Assisting the Prime Minister for Women. This shows just how seriously Abbott is taking his role, because women's issues can be difficult and having someone to make a good strong cup of tea always helps.

True, making Abbott minister for women does seem about as rational as appointing me to make a new round of DrinkWise ads. But if a US president who draws up a list of people to kill via military drone strikes every Tuesday can win a Nobel Peace Prize, then I say anything is possible.

Some people seem quite concerned about the new government — because maybe they think a planet is a nice thing to keep or possibly that concentration camps are no place for children even if they did have the gall to be born to parents willing to use their right under international law to ask for asylum because they belong to an ethnic minority facing genocide like, say, Tamils from Sri Lanka.

Many have even threatened to emigrate. “Screw this, I'm moving to New Zealand,” is a common sentiment.

But really, come on, this is Australia! Forget moving to New Zealand, we should invade and occupy the bastards. If the locals complain, we can dump them in Papua New Guinea — we have an understanding with their government about that kind of thing. That's the Australian way.

[Carlo Sands is performing at a Sydney Green Left Weekly fundraising show, The Yucky Country: Welcome to the Abbottoir, along with Michael Hing, Twiggy Palmcock and Hannah Gissane. The show is on Sat, Nov 9, 7.30pm, at Addison Rd Community Centre, Hut 9 theatre, Marrickville. Book tickets.

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