By Kevin Healy
A week in which Victoria's minister for industrial confrontation, Neil Poke — he stuffs everything up — justified the beaut new increased fees granted to lawyers and insurance company doctors who sacrifice their time to help those bludging, malingering injured workers. "There's no problem", Pokey said. "We're making all these savings by forcing workers off the system altogether, because they can't afford to appeal when we knock them off for fear of copping the exorbitant fees these dedicated lawyers deserve, or we slash them to 60% of their pre-injury earnings so they soon starve and fade away and we get them out of our hair."
Pokey said another exciting side effect of these measures was that the real victims of work injuries, the poor beleaguered employers, were now able to have their Workcare levies slashed even more. "The new system is working just as we wanted it too. All my lawyer, doctor and employer friends agree."
And the Surprise! Surprise! Award for the week goes to the poor, beleaguered Victorian Employers Federation, which told the government two things were essential in the state budget: huge cuts to business taxes, and even more huge cuts in spending on public services.
Just to show his solidarity with the VEF, public transport supremo Ian Stoneage said the public transport budget would have to be cut by tens of millions of dollars. There are loads of areas where cuts are feasible — such as cutting out the service altogether, which they almost have anyway. After all, why shouldn't the users of public services who elect governments to provide those services pay for the government's spectacular mismanagement of public funds?
Another suffering bosses' umbrella body, the Business Council of True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart, complained about attempts to cut greenhouse gases by 20% by early next century. This would be impossible, they said, because it would cost money, and we should abandon these plans if our industry is to remain viable and warm.
"Besides", spokesperson Sir Andrew Farte told The Week That Was, "20% is only a drop in the ocean. Latest expert opinion is that 60% reductions would only be treading water. So why bother with something we can't achieve? We are great believers in achievement."
The accounting industry is up in arms over threatened changes to accounting regulations which will — prepare yourself for a major shock — compel all company reports to comply with accounting standards. "It makes our whole task absolutely impossible if we have to tell the truth", spokesperson John Rig-the-books complained. "How can good, responsible companies get suckers to invest under those circumstances?"
Also accounting for themselves will be the over-55 dole bludgers under an excellent plan developed by the federal opposition. To make them retain self-respect and feel really fulfilled, these old bludgers will have to work for their exorbitant $150 a week handout. ernment buildings", opposition leader Johnny Hew-them explained. "And just to give them that extra grain of dignity, they can wear a sign saying 'Dole bludger earning his/her way'.
"What's more", Johnny said, "all those workers who presently guard government buildings and earn the minimum wage will be able to keep guarding those buildings for about half their present salary — as long as they're over 55. Those under 55 will just have to grow old a bit faster. Isn't it wonderful how we give new dignity to the ageing!"