In the stars: you're weak this month
By Lucifer Skycrawler
What do the stars hold for you? About as much as your bank holds for you, which is to say: whatever you put in, minus charges, fees, state taxes, financial institutions duty and arbitrary rip-offs. So find your star sign, read your humongouscope, and blame someone else if it doesn't come true.
VEGEMITE (January 26-April 25, in both directions). The first half of the year has been pretty rough for Vegemites, but there's a bright side: soon, the past six months could start to look idyllic. Winter having arrived, this might be a good time to try hibernation, for very extended periods.
BOMBAST (July 14). As Pestilence moves into Southern Hemisphere, this could be a good time to win friends and influence people. Try to restrain your tendency to smash up the furniture whenever you're visiting someone smaller than you. Don't rush to be first with daring experiments; it's likely that a powerful friend will take the heat off you if you can be patient.
GOSSAMER (May. Then again, may not). This is not a time for being meek or overly modest, but then that never was your problem. Things look very promising; in fact, you've already begun promising and won't stop until mid-month. After that, things can be left to look after themselves for another few years.
CORNPONE (Born on the 4th of July). The time is rapidly approaching when you will have to make some serious career choices. In the next period, Demos conjoins with Lotto, so if you're serious about continuing with your present job, you'll probably need to blow something up.
LIBRIUM (19th century-18th century). The new-old romance with which you began the year is still going strong. But will it lead to the desired consummation? If the stars knew that, they'd get rich at the expense of bookmakers, wouldn't they?
PLACIDODOMINGO (Most of the time). It's been a bit of an uphill slog lately: that will give you a small idea of what Vegemites have been going through in recent decades. You feel yourself hemmed in, pursued by enemies; that probably means it's a good time to kick someone.
LAZAROID (The rest of the time). You can feel pretty good, since you were supposed to be dead several years ago (and probably were). Since things have been falling into your lap lately, you might as well continue doing and saying nothing, and see if your luck doesn't continue. However, you would probably do even better if the saying nothing could be done less loudly. Advancement is practically guaranteed if you can disappear for up to eight months.
Get your very own personalised humongouscope. It's prepared individually, just for you, by the star of your choice. Just send $50 in cash, cheque, gold, silver or credit card PIN number to Lucifer Skycrawler, c/- this newspaper. Please allow passage of two zodiacs for delivery.