Carlo’s Corner: Why not just burn pensioners for jet fuel?

May 1, 2014
Prime Minister Tony Abbott about to test the ejector seat in one of the new Joint Strike Fighter jets.

The budget is approaching and it seems we are a bit short on cash. This isn't surprising really, seeing as we’re stumping up about $12 billion for a bunch of new fighter jets with such serious flaws they are expected to cost a further $12 billion in repairs and maintenance.

Plus we appear to be overrun by marauding hordes of free-loading pensioners clogging up doctors’ waiting rooms and bankrupting the economy with their subsidised medicines. The solution seems obvious to me: we should kill two birds with one stone and save some cash by burning these old people as jet fuel.

We’ll save on pensions and on expenses for these 58 goddamn F-35 stealth fighter jets, one of Australia’s biggest ever military purchases.

I mean, let’s face facts. As Treasurer Joe Hockey keeps telling us, the age of entitlement is over. So, really, if you can’t goddamn fly a fighter jet, fix a fighter jet, or, as Prime Minister Tony Abbott showed he has quite a talent for, get yourself photographed sitting in the cockpit of a fighter jet, then really, what use are you to modern Australia?

Now it has been suggested to me that there are practical problems with the plan to burn pensioners for fuel. The upshot seems to be: “Will old people actually burn as fuel in such a way as to propel what is, we are told, the most advanced fighter jet in the world and will ensue we never have to fear an air invasion from those dastardly East Timorese?”

Well, I'm no expert. And I suspect that research into the area of pensioner-fuelled fighter jets is probably quite limited. So my suggestion is we embark on a taxpayer-funded study to investigate the feasibility of the idea.

This is obviously where we should get the private sector involved, you know, to save on taxpayer costs. I'm not sure what they are up to these days, but I've heard great things about Australian Water Holdings.

And I'm not just saying that because their executives have such great taste in wine. (Seriously, the goon they sent me was top notch, like we aren’t talking a cheap box of Stanley shit, this was the $12 for two litres stuff. I won't be forgetting generosity like that any time soon.)

Now, sure, their speciality is fleecing the taxpa— is viable public-private partnerships in the area of water, but I feel sure for the right price they would suddenly discover an interest in moving into the “fuel” game.

Let them investigate and if it happens the ideal conditions to test “pensioner fuel” is a Caribbean island, well that is a small price to pay to rid the taxpayer of these over-entitled old people.

Whatever it takes to help us finally end once and for all this horrific sense of entitlement that we can just no longer afford. It is not just those living the high life off the pension that is dragging our economy down. Don't even get me started on the parasites that are single mothers, the disabled and arts graduates.

The National Commission of Audit that has advised the Abbott government to implement $70 billion worth of spending cuts was a friendly heads up, really, to all those welfare recipients living below the poverty line responsible for the lowest welfare budget of any OECD nation, that their days of something for nothing are over.

I mean, just think of the fossil fuel corporations trying to survive on a mere $7 billion in taxpayer-funded subsidies! The big four banks only get $11.1 billion. The mining industry struggles with just $4.5 billion in public subsidies.

And yet here we are thinking we have a “right” to get medical treatment regardless of our bank balance.

I mean, where are our priorities? What have the dole bludgers ever done for this country? Can they point to even one coral reef they've helped destroy?

No, everyone just wants something for nothing. And people just don't seem to realise that once we've given the corporate elite a lot for nothing, it utterly utopian, in these economic conditions, to expect the government to have anything left over for luxuries like a decent pension or a public health system.

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