The best Barbie of them all
The struggle to defend the local abortion clinic isn't the only reason for a feminist interest in the goings-on in Wichita, Kansas. During the Gulf War, it was the site of the Miss USA pageant.
The show had a lovely militaristic feel to it (apparently there's an air force base there), especially the finale, where contestants and escorts (members of the National Guard — off campus) sashayed to the naval choir's bile-stirring rendition of "at least I'm free / I won't forget the men who died to give that to me / 'cause there ain't no doubt I love this land / God bless the USA."
And what was the incentive to become involved in this titanic clash of hair gels? Well, two women identified respectively as the star of I dream of Jeannie and JR's mistress from Dallas elaborated on this for us. Apart from a year's supply of the official pageant home perm, several killed animals' skins and a Buick, the winner was to be shipped off to entertain the troops. Doing what, I don't know; that wasn't covered.
As quiz shows go, it was pretty exciting stuff. Each contestant came on stage to answer questions like "What is your name?", "Why are you called that?" and "Where did your parents meet?"
The most fascinating answers came to the question "How do you see your future?" Instead of the logical answer ("I think I'll just continue to drain on an unfair patriarchal right-wing society and make sure the clock winds back constantly on women's liberation") it was more like, "Well, when I finish my degree in International Greed, I want to work with children with AIDS and have an idyllic home life". And every so often these Barbies would send a gooey message to their trained killer Kens in the Gulf.
The whole cherry on the sundae was the selection of the three from whom the real Miss USA 1991 would be chosen. Their spangly evening frocks were each a symbolic colour. One wore red, one wore white and one wore, yep, you guessed it: blue. While Moms hugged Dads or gripped their knees in terror, the judges retired to decide who was the best Barbie of them all.
It must have been a really hard decision, even though some of the girls were decent enough to take themselves out of the running by saying things deemed "controversial" during question time. One, in answer to "Is it a man's world?", said that she felt women today were making a big statement for themselves. The male commentator was so bowled over by such sedition he forgot what to say next.
Finally it was all over bar the spewing. Miss Somebody won, and she was led through the swords of honour held by marines to receive her prizes. Last year's winner handed over the crown and everybody cried, especially the new Miss USA. But don't worry, it was waterproof mascara.
By Janet Fraser