By Kevin Healy
The Twisted Semantics of the Week Award goes to that commie threat to True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart, that socialist danger to Aussie freedom, deputy PM and minister for wiping out the concept of free health, Brian Hoo, for his brilliant explanation of how a back-down is not a back-down.
"I get very angry at any suggestion that this is a back-down" Brian told a breathless press corps. "This is a seminal example of how democracy, socialist style, works in this great party. See, we just didn't have time before the budget, after all we only had 12 months, to consult caucus about this matter. Se we're now going through the very necessary consultative process."
The press corps rose to a man and a woman and cheered vigorously. "To democracy", they screamed. Then some untrained underling put up his hand. "Does this mean every budget decision will now be reviewed?"
"I am sick of suggestions that this is a back-down", Hoo said. "Look, we couldn't possibly raise the Medicare levy, 'cause we promised we wouldn't, but we didn't promise we wouldn't dismantle Medicare altogether, so what choice have we got? Come on, answer that, you smart ... uh ... bottomed little germ."
The Reverend Hoo then said a prayer for the little germ. "And if the little germ grows into a big germ, I hope you've got an open-ended bank book, 'cause you'll need it", he laughed. And he laughed and laughed at his own brilliant humour, and the press gallery laughed and laughed with him.
Meanwhile, life was made a little easier for us all with that Reserve Bank decision to lower interest rates by a whole 1%. Treasurer John Carin-for-them said he would throw his weight behind supporting the banks. "What's that feather floating down there?", Reserve Bank board member Sir Peter Abeles-to-get-the-government's ear asked his secretary.
But alack, the banks explained they couldn't possibly pass on the 1% immediately to ordinary people. "We'll lower the rate we pay them on their little savings and investment accounts by 1%, see how it works, and if it works really well, we'll consider lowering what we charge them by .00001%."
The government said it never ceased to marvel at the magnanimous generosity of the banking system, and the great men who lead that system and give all True Blue Aussies such regular and
invaluable advice.
On the other hand, those concerned about the environment received a severe but necessary shock when another great adviser to True Blue Aussie, that fine think-tank the Tasman Institute, told us we couldn't possibly pursue government commitments to reduce greenhouse gases by 20% by 2005, because it would, quite simply and most importantly, cost industry far too much money and eat horribly into its profits.
"It's a waste of time anyway", they delved into the mysterious world of logic. "Latest figures show that a 60% reduction in that period will only be treading water. So it's a waste of time and money." The think-tank, which obviously thinks very clearly, although some might suggest they sound like they're only half-think-tanked half of the time, said it was much more sensible to destroy the world as long as industry could create profits and therefore generate jobs and progress.