By Kevin Healy
A worrying week for the economy, what with the mining industry distressed at attempts to delay mining at Kakadu. The opposition is all based on mythology — nothing to do with economics or balanced argument. Just these bloody blacks, whose mythology claims this area has some sacred connotation.
"What nonsense", Mining Council dignitary Sir Laurence Digger laughed sardonically at a Best We Forget dawn service this week. "The answer lies in explaining to these people, very loudly, that their so-called religious beliefs are pure mythology. They have no basis in the real world." Here Sir Laurence paused while the RSLperson asked that Big Daddy In The Sky bless the fallen.
"Look", Sir Laurence went on, "these blacks are quite uncivilised. They still point sticks at each other, live in poverty and are always having tribal fights, hitting each other with sticks".
"May God bless our boys who fell in Turkey, in France (several times), in North Africa, in Malaya, in Korea, in Vietnam and in several places not yet declassified, and may God bless those brave Aussies who have just returned from the Gulf", the RSLperson droned.
"As I was saying", Sir Laurence continued, "they have to learn that the modern world doesn't exist on myths. We can't have some ill-founded belief in the land and the mountains and other productive forces undermined so that those productive forces can't be mined in the national good. These silly pagan myths have to be exposed.
"This world can only go forward, true blue Aussie with the big red heart's economic problems can only be addressed, if we can tear the big red heart out ... uh ... sorry, I mean, if we are allowed to explore and develop, if we can employ labour and export our wonderful natural resources, if we can create wealth and allow it to trickle down to the dear workers whom we love, if we can produce the natural resources that our overseas buyers turn into useful products and sell back to us.
"That is what Australia needs as today we honour those who fought and died for God and country. This economy cannot afford to be controlled by mythical beliefs of people who have no real idea of what we've decided is good for them."
Meanwhile, our beloved minister for going overseas all the time and being a perfectly good little prefect, Good Evans, headed off to China to explain that Tienanmen Square didn't matter any more because trade was far more important, so important indeed that we just didn't really have time to do much about the Kurds, because that's happening now and doesn't really fit into the Brave New World Order Handbook.
On the way, he dropped into Japan and had a found of golf f Dieshovelled. It now seems — and here's the good news — that we'll review our attitude to giving Horrible-Dieshovelled free access to our forests for woodchipping. I suppose Good will have a round of golf with a member of the East Gippsland Coalition when he gets back, just to balance the ledger.