In the stars: your coming year
By Lucifer Skycrawler
What's in the stars? Hydrogen, say some people. Heat, say others. Tonnes of orange Smarties, say still others. All of these answers are silly. In reality, the stars are occupied by celestial spirits who have nothing better to do than run your life — usually much worse than you would do it yourself — according to when you happened to be born. Why they do this has never been satisfactorily explained, but sadism definitely is part of it. To help you cope with 1995, I have prepared the following humongouscope, explaining what the year holds in store for each of the world's 5,603,004,036 people. So find your birth sign, read it, and weep. (Don't thank me — just send money.)
VEGEMITE (January 25-Date to be announced). You may be courted this year. You almost certainly will be courted this year, but maybe you won't choose among the courters (courtpersons? tennis players?) until next year. Be suspicious of promises, unless they are sworn on everything the swearer holds sacred — then you can be sure they are lies.
SCAPULA (March 4th-March Backwards). This could be a good year to stay indoors. Parabola is entering the House of Influenza, so guard your back at all times during the next 12 months, and during the millennium following. Expect frequent personalised earthquakes.
CORNPONE ('60s, northern hemisphere). I told you that sticking your nose in your neighbours' business wouldn't make you popular, but you wouldn't listen to me, would you? I'm tempted to just stop writing and not tell you what you need to be happy in 1995. Oh, all right, then, here it is: this time, inhale.
CAPSICUM (March 4th - March Hare). If you were silly enough to choose to be born under this sign, you have no-one to blame but yourself. However, careful attention to the behaviour of any Placidodomingos you know may help you learn how to blame others.
QUARTERHORSE (January 1-December 31). Remember the words of the poet: "The course of true love never did run smooth". This has nothing to do with your situation, but it's a nice line. What you can expect in 1995 is work, followed by more work. In that respect, the year will be very much like 1994, but worse. Tough. If you don't like it, get yourself another astralplanographer.
PLACIDODOMINGO (Birth date doesn't matter, but heart in the French Empire). This is not a good year to start talking again about semitropical fruits, even if you should meet one or two in the course of daily business. It is a good time to improve your vocabulary, which is too limited: try learning the meaning of new words — "hubris", for example, or "sorry".
CREDULOUS (March 1993). Some people will believe anything. Some people will believe anything even when they know it's not true. If you want to do it again this year, probably not even the stars can stop you.
PERAMBULANT (Any month with an "R" in it). Oysters are good for you; just don't eat any grown in water within a thousand kilometres of a city. You plan to travel, but beware of the conjunction of Callithumpian with Quicksilver, especially when Brouhaha is moving into Mascot.
PLUMDUFF (Any month with a silver spoon in it). This year threatens to be a real downer. You'll be happier if you can avoid situations where you are compared with others — and I mean anyone at all, including yourself. Try to spend the whole year at home: you can amuse yourself watching old movies of Abbott and — never mind, maybe that's not such a good idea.
LIBRIUM (19th century-18th century). Is this the time to renew old passions? You may be tempted to regard the glint of steel-rimmed glasses as the light at the end of the tunnel. And why not? Advancing pell-mell to the rear, where you're going of course looks like where you came from. Forward to the past! Hurrah!