By Craig Cormick
Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.
Budget welfare spending up, up, up
To pre-empt the inevitable budget leaks, the prime minister goes on television in early April to make an official leak to the nation, outlining the major initiatives of the 1994 budget. They include:
- foreign aid being increased to 2% of GDP
- massive increased funding of job creation schemes
- increased spending on infrastructure in regional areas
- government assistance to farmers suffering from debt
- increased medical services
- abolition of the Higher Education Contribution Scheme tax.
He also announces that these measures are to be funded by increased taxation on the wealthy and foreign corporations.
While the nation sits stunned, Paul Keating reveals his prime ministerial humour, by declaring "Scumbag April Fools!" and laughing so hard he needs to be carried off air by aides.
US confronts China
The US government continues pressing China to mend its record on human rights or face trade sanctions.
The Chinese government continues telling the US government to "fuck off" and mind its own business.
US businessmen, following hard on the advice given by Gareth Evans that criticising regimes which abuse human rights might lead to a loss of business, begin criticising the US government.
The US government, faced with critical decreases in party funds, softens its stance on China, agreeing that the Chinese government can abuse human rights as long as it is willing to give trade credits for each person tortured.
US confronts Japan
Continuing its erratic run of trade policy victories, the US government intensifies its trade war with Japan.
After unsuccessfully seeking increased access to the Japanese markets for junk food, outdated medicines and pesticides that have been rejected by all South American countries, the US threatens NATO air strikes on Japan.
The Japanese government responds by complaining to the UN. The Security Council declares a UN holiday but the General Assembly passes a motion asking the US to politely explain its position.
President Clinton then issues a statement saying that the air strikes were an unfortunate mistake, caused by a senior policy adviser having been experimented upon with nuclear isotopes in his youth.
The foreign policy directives for Japan and Serbia had been inadvertently exchanged, he explained, which was also why trade sanctions imposed on the export of sophisticated electronic equipment and Godzilla sequels from Serbia had proven so ineffective for so long.