Nostradamus' Media Watch

August 2, 1995
Issue 

@column = Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

@column = UN redefines safe areas

@column = Following the Bosnian Serb military takeovers of the UN safe areas of Srebrenica and Zepa, the UN responds by redefining "safe areas".

@column = A spokesperson for the UN, Colonel Wredtaip, says, "We're through taking Serbian shit — I think it's time we really got tough and showed them that we mean business!"

@column = The new "safe areas" will include Paris, Vienna and London. "I'd like to see the Bosnian Serbs overrun those safe areas", Colonel Wredtaip says on a BBC World Service interview that is not broadcast on TV for lack of accompanying visuals.

@column = Meanwhile, the Bosnian Serb forces continue to deny that there has been any massacres of civilians. Military strong man General Ratka Mladic, appearing as a special guest on Gladiators, denies that he takes steroids or that there are an estimated 10,000 civilians missing.

@column = He tells the studio audience, "I think it's a part of the UN's anti-Serbian propaganda war. What would we do with 10,000 civilians? — Um — please do not answer that — it is a rhetorical question only!"

@column = French nuclear tests extended

@column = In an effort to defuse global protests against its nuclear testing, the French government invites other nuclear testing nations to take part in joint tests in the South Pacific.

@column = China is invited to test up to 12 devices at Moruroa. The Chinese government, however, declines the offer, saying it prefers to test its own bombs on its own people in its own territories, and further tests will be conducted in Tibet and Taiwan.

@column = Indonesian offer to Bolkus

@column = The Indonesian government offers Senator Nick Bolkus the position of governor of East Timor.

@column = In an interview with a Newcastle community radio station (the only Australian medium not banned at that time by the Indonesian government) an Indonesian military spokesperson denies the offer is sucking up to win favour with the Australian government. Rather, it is based on the fact that no military person wishes to be outside Jakarta for over two weeks, because that might jeopardise their chances of presidential nomination, and on Senator Bolkus' qualifications for the position.

@column = The spokesperson, who does not wish to be named lest it damage his chances of gaining presidential nomination, says, "We have seen the positive things he has done in Port Hedland — and he is our kind of man!"

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