Max's new faith

By Allen Myers "Crikeys", said Max, lowering his schooner with a thump. "I'm gonna have to change me religion". That was a bit of a shock. Through all the years I've known him, until last week, Max never had a religion. Now, after seven days or so as a Hindu, he was changing it. "The reasons for becoming a Hindu", he explained at the time, "is imitations of mortality". When I pressed for further information, Max explained that his doctor "reckons I need apostate surgery. "As you no doubt know", he continued, "in this day and age, in this country, while waiting to get into a hospital, you could die. Two or three times. Therefore, it seems wise to be part of a religion which promises reincantation. By my third time around, I should be near the top of the waiting list." "So why", I asked, a week later, "are you giving up your new religion? Have you found out it bans consumption of alcohol?" "No", he replied. "It's because it's not officially reproved. For the hospital. I had a letter from them, about rules and things and what to do in case I ever get in for my surgery before I die three times. "Like I can't smoke in the operating room — 'cause I'll be knocked out. And about the hospital chaplain, who is very busy and doesn't have time to put up with all the victuals of insignificant minorities. Or even large minorities, for that matter." "That sounds very un-chaplain-like to me", I said. "These are your modern chaplains", Max explained. "The hospital is being privatised, and the chaplains have to be as hard hearted as an economist, or get sacked. "And as the letter said, there aren't very many of us Hindus in Australia, so I'd better get with the mainstream if I want my spirits looked after while I'm having my apostate tended to." "But Max", I objected. "A hospital can't force you to change your religion. That must be illegal — against a United Nations treaty or something." "That's what I told them too. But they see it different. I might think that their first job is to fix what ails me, but they have to get a return on their investment. They have to be highly productive and competitive, and one thing that means is not having too low a patient-chaplain ratio. "The way they put it was that I have the right to be whatever religion I want, but they can only afford one chaplain, and it's not likely to be a Hindu one while there are much more numerous religions around." "It's discrimination", I said. "They claim not. In fact, the company has been expanding into the export trade, opening hospitals in other countries. Their hospital in India only has one chaplain too, but he's a Hindu. And the one in Jakarta is a Muslim." "Well then, what are you going to become instead? A Catholic? Church of England? Uniting Church?" "Oh no, mate, nothing like that", he replied. "These days, I reckon you've got to get with the power." "Which is?" Max quaffed the rest of his beer and licked his lips. "It's obvious, isn't it? Mate, you are looking at a born-again neo-liberal."