A letter from John Howard


Dear Citizen,

By now, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets our government has been sending out, and you have a complete understanding of how it's all going to work.

The new system is NUTS — the New Universal Taxation System — and although it may appear complicated, it is easy to understand. Basically, it is STUFFT — the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity, an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN), which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels. Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS.

The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO). Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee).

All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit).

If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by state and federal governments, the JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.

From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a monthly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP by the 21st of the following month.

All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.

In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department Of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.

I trust that this settles the matter for you all, and I wish you a safe and happy GST introduction.

As your prime minister, I feel that it is my part of the mutual obligation between us that I explain further to each and every citizen just how the NUTS will work in simple, everyday language, while your part of the mutual obligation is to get STUFFT.

Yours sincerely,

John Howard MP,

Parliament of Australia

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