The week that was

April 17, 1991

By Kevin Healy

A week when our great and beloved socialist government may consider that all that doesn't glitter is gold. Or, as our great and beloved prime minister, Nuclear Hawke himself, said, "I — uh — can't recollect deciding not to tax gold profits — although — uh — there were good and compelling reasons for doing so, like — uh — well — uh — public considerations to ensure I remained — uh — your great and — uh — beloved leader, but in retrospect a mistake — uh — because why bother — uh — none of these people pay any tax on any profits, gold or otherwise. This — uh — shows their dedication to — uh — using all their capital to — uh — assist our national economy — uh — I admire them for it."

Nuke went on to explain that he had never attended a lunch with Laurie Conwell of WA Sink and Roths-not-so-Well until the day he had attended a lunch with Laurie Conwell, when he had made no promises as far as he could recollect although he couldn't quite recall the date nor the date he hadn't made the promise as far as he could recollect because he thought he went fishing one day and was he surprised to see Laurie Conwell on the end of the hook when he first cast into the sea of promises which he didn't make as far as he could recollect.

He was backed up by the minister for wanting to be another minister, Johnny Mummykins, who said a gold tax would have been a disaster because the dollar was already overvalued or undervalued anyway, he couldn't remember which. This led to the world's greatest treasurer Paul explaining that it was neither undervalued nor overvalued. "It's just stuffed", Paul said. "And so are you, you ambitious little insect."

Meanwhile, the unemployment rate soared to a fabulous 9.2%, about 1 million people, indicating the economy is roaring along with all these leaner meaner companies contributing to the recovery, particularly if they don't have to pay any silly repressive taxes.

Indeed, I established a new company this week, the Kevin Healy Leaner Meaner Advisory Service, alongside my major company, Kevin Healy Equine Investment Services. See, all these companies are spending trillions on consultants who come in, spend weeks of their money investigating and interviewing staff, and then come up with a final report. I save these companies a fortune by walking in the door with the final report in my hand. "Here's your fabulous solution", I say. "Slash staff, cut wages and conditions for those who are lucky enough to stay on, increase their productivity 800% to cover for all the jobs you've slashed, complain about how tax and Workcare levies and all government charges are killing you, then tell the world you've got a leaner meaner company which can compete better in the international marketplace, while threatening your staff continually with the prospect of moving to Malaysia, where you can operate far more efficiently."

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