The week that was


By Kevin Healy

Reader, I can tell you in all secrecy — but only if you promise not to tell anyone — this week almost saw one of the great historical accidents of modern times.

There was Georgie Bashed, pacing up and down in the Oval Office, or perhaps round and round, screaming sane, responsible, brave new world order diplomatic phrases like, "I want to blast shit out of the bastard, I want to kick the bastard's ass in the — sniff, sniff — few days I have left." At that point an aide rushed in to tell him all was in readiness to carry out the United States of All Nations resolution.

"Tell them Iraq has moved into Iraq", Georgie instructed the aide, "and that we must pass a resolution to stop this criminal and insane violation of our — that is, the United States of All Nations' — most moral and humane position".

"I looked up the UN resolutions, Mr President", the rather slow-witted aide told him, "and there are some already on the books. I've authorised the United States of All Nations bombers to head off and blast the proverbial out of them to make them obey the resolutions".

"Very good", said Georgie. "This will teach them to meddle with the rights of nations which cherish freedom and democracy."

"Very commendable, Mr President. They should be over Tel Aviv any second now."

"Wonderful. Congratu — Tel Aviv? Tel Aviv! That's the wrong goddamn resolution! We're vetoing that one. They cherish democracy and freedom. Get those planes turned around!"

Thus was a near disaster averted. What's more, the smart bombs used by the United States of the World forces on behalf of the United States of All Nations proved even smarter than the pilots who dropped them. "The reason we missed the target", George explained the next day, "was because our smart bombs, which never fail and never cause collateral damage, saw a much better target on their way down and did the right thing on behalf of all who cherish freedom and democracy".

Also in the United States of the World, President-elect "Bull" (for Full-of-Bull) Glinting wins the Read My Lips of the Week Award for what may be the fastest broken electoral promise in history. He even makes Jeff Footinmouth look sincere. Last week Bull announced that the economy was just so much worse than he had imagined that his tax promises are out the window already. Most of them wait at least until they take office.