The week that was

March 12, 1991

By Kevin Healy

Well, reader, a week when the very proper concern of industry over resource guarantees began to be resolved.

Look, we're creating lots and lots and lots of unemployed workers", the world's greatest worst treasurer Paul explained. "Here we have a prime example of a resource guarantee to industry. As my very close friend and dedicated champion of true blue Aussie with the big red heart workers Billy Killthem said last week, 'The ACTU will ensure that wages don't interfere with the fight against inflation'.

"So if we can take the responsible socialist position of lowering wages and conditions, then those resource guaranteed unemployed will be a boon to industry.

"They mightn't actually get employed themselves — and god knows that's the last thing they want, the pack of bludgers — but they can be used to ensure that the human resources which industry now has will be kept in line.

"Isn't it a better term", Paul said. "Human resources to industry is like military assets to our very great ally the United States. Impersonal: it makes wiping them out so much better."

Meanwhile, back in cabinet, our great and beloved prime minister, Nuclear Hawke himself, was explaining to cabinet what cabinets are made of.

"Cabinets are made of wood", Nuke told his socialist comrades. "Now, clearly, if we're going to have cabinet, we must have wood. And there are lots of votes in wood.

"On the other hand, to stay a cabinet we must save wood. There are lots of votes in saving wood.

"So here's what we have to do. We have to give the long-haired idiot conservationists a guarantee we're gonna save wood. And we have to make it a firm guarantee that makes sure the wood people get all the wood they want. Does that seem a reasonable policy?"

"Very responsible", his socialist comrades echoed. They were very pleased with themselves. "Not that we let votes influence any decision we'd make", they assured themselves. "Certainly not." They seemed hurt by the suggestion.

Socialism is also taking a giant leap forward with the debate about reforming the government party. It was expressed most articulately by the minister-for-being-the-left-wing-spokesperson-and-getting-very-very-angry-at-suggestions-he-might-be-anything-but-left-wing, Brian Hoo. "I believe the party membership wants to feel it can share in all our sell-outs", Hoo said.

Meanwhile, as peace settled on the Middle East and the United Nations proved Nuclear Hawke's theory that war is peace and peace is war, the vanquished were increasing their slaughter by turning on each other.

At this point, some cynic suggest the CIA, source of our recent accurate new reports, might be fomenting the dissent.

However, this suggestion was quickly scotched when the leader of the US's UN forces, General Abnormal Flyswat, denied the charge. "That's commie propaganda", he bellowed. ("Psst: they're on our side", an aide whispered.)

"That's ... uh ... Muslim fundamenta — whatever the word is — propaganda", Flyswat explained.

And finally, the getting your priorities wrong award of the week to AM, for devoting only 10 minutes to the vital world matter of a corgi biting her most gracious majesty on the hand. They managed to interview two canine psychologists and one corgi breeder.

Imagine the in-depth sessions around the couch with the psychs and the corgis. Be about as stimulating as a session chatting to her most gracious majesty herself.

Can I suggest that as loyal subjects we all send the world's richest woman a little something to maker her feel just that much better: maybe an anti-tetanus serum.

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