In the stars

By Lucifer Skycrawler What do the stars hold for you this year? If 1995 is any guide, you don't really want to know, do you? And yet, you can't resist looking up your star sign and reading what awaits you in 1996 (it's in the stars). WALLOPER (May-August and months with an "R"). The biggest problem for Wallopers is that they just don't inspire trust in most people. Fear, yes. Loathing, yes. Anonymous gifts, yes. Sudden death, yes. But trust, no. It's a mystery. Some things can't be explained even by the stars. WOMBAT (Especially February to May). Wombats are in for a rough time this year. You thought one-day cricket was boring? — You ain't seen nothing yet. You will be called upon — many of you more than once — to choose between lesser evils, none of whom is really all that lesser. And you can't even go to the beach instead of choosing, because the weather is lousy. PLACIDODOMINGO (Varies by decree). Placidodomingos have a tragic fate. They want to be loved by everyone, but even their own mothers often try to sell them to passing circuses. Your job prospects are under threat during the first part of the year, but could be saved by rich and powerful friends. CRO-MAGNON (18th century or earlier). Do not abandon your hopes of impressing and repressing subordinates, even though those hopes have suffered a setback. Persistence is the key to success, particularly when some nominally on the other side have no stomach for a fight. Demand that they tug the forelock; if they're bald, sack them. LAZAROID (more births than anyone can keep track of). This is the year that will make you or break you; another bypass would blow out the Medicare budget — even if it were possible to get into a NSW hospital for elective surgery. Your stratagem of pretending to be your worst enemy is risky, but on the other hand, pretending to be you has worked pretty well for him. CHIPOFF (19 ). Your challenge this year, as in every previous year, will be deciding just who you are. And why. Maybe even if. Chipoffs have a built-in indecisiveness, which is due to Janus entering the house of Ambidexter without remembering to knock: they are incapable of distinguishing between where they come from and where they are going. NASTURTIUM (Tuesday-Thursday, 9-5). Life — as you are fond of observing — is like a horse race: you either win or lose, but at the end of the day, the rider sits down to a good feed and the horse gets some hay if it's lucky. This is probably the biggest consolation you will draw from any race you're in this year. A reader writes: "Please, sir, can you explain the basis of your predictions? I mean, how can the stars control everything that happens?" To which I can only reply: "That's just the sort of smart-arsed question I'd expect from an Adenoid". But those of you who seriously want to know more about the science of astrolopophagy, just write in for my free booklet, How to play beautiful tunes on the invisible wires between you and the music of the spheres (don't forget to include $400 for postage and handling; allow three weeks, plus writing and printing time, for delivery).