By Kevin Healy
Democracy and freedom and all those values we love and cherish were preserved yet again by those assiduous, community-concerned, probing journalists down at the Lord Rupert of Wopping Sin. But for the vigilance of the Wopping Sin, cold atheistic communism, properly destroyed in eastern Europe, would have taken over True Blue Aussie With the Big Read Heart in a trice.
Luckily, there were headlines to stop the rot — the disgusting, bloated, left-wing union commies terrorising society, forcing people who want to exercise their democratic freedom of gaining the benefits of union awards without joining a union, into joining a union.
But worse was to come the next day. Those greenies who parade as gentle souls trying to save the environment are in fact terrorists: "Terror fear on logging", the banner headline screamed. And yes, logging companies were terrified at the greenies' plans to prevent destruction of native forests and native flora and fauna.
As the Lord Rupert pointed out, they have every right to protest, but absolutely no right to stop progress. It's like picket lines under Victorian law these days — you can have a picket line as long as you don't keep scabs out, or stop goods from entering and leaving.
Speaking of logging, the New South Wales government found an ideal solution to that court ruling that endangered species were more important than logging a state forest. "No worries there", minister Gary Waste said, "we'll amend the act". That's the great benefit of our democratic processes we've been taught to respect: the separation of legislature and judiciary.
In the Soviet Disunion, our correspondent Monica Thatturd has sent a dispatch that puts the picture in balance for us:
"Cold atheistic communism is dead. Capitalism has won. People are blowing streamers and whistles in the streets, the absolute epitome of excitement as they stand in the queues beside the empty shelves.
"'We look forward to the great benefits of market forces', they all say to me. Most of them said they had already received the first benefits of the marketplace, the first benefits of destroying the failed socialist experiment. 'Look Monica', they say, as they enthusiastically show me their dismissal notices. 'I am unemployed', they say. 'I feel like a Westerner already!'
"Now that democracy and freedom are taking over, Boris Letssin has celebrated by declaring himself Emperor of all the Russias and anywhere else where people understand his godlike qualities. Gorbyshove said he was still a communist and promptly got shoved. I think that shows the wonderful mood and spirit of freedom and democracy and market forces which has overwhelmed the Soviet people.
"And it's so exciting to see all the altruistic business the free, democratic world, particularly the good old United States of the World, who've come all this way just to offer these people a better life."