Aussies are still celebrating the great news that the economy is recovering. Not only did Lord Rupert of Wopping Sin-hairoiled headline on Monday, "Worst over says Little Johnny Buttons 'n' Bows" — which encouraged us all and made us appreciate the little minister's economic forecasting prowess. We also had the wonderfully exciting unemployment figures, showing the national figure nearing 10%, and Victoria leading the way — what a fillip for Joannie Learner and her team.
Once again Victoria assumes its rightful place as the economic bellwether. More companies in Victoria than anywhere else are adopting the leaner, meaner quality so beloved of our economic advisers and governments, shedding jobs at a great rate, increasing productivity and sending profits soaring so that all those displaced dole bludgers can enjoy the trickle down effect.
And just to make the permanent unemployed feel really important, the feds have this grand new scheme, Newstart, under which the unemployed will have to sign a contract to do certain minor things like losing weight and entering brain surgery classes before they receive the massive public handout that will ensure they lose weight. This will allow them to talk about "signing a contract" and "my contract" and "I'll just check my contract" and other really status-raising remarks.
Fortunately not unemployed these days are two great Australians, Laurie Conwell — formerly of Roths-not-so-well Bank, who seems to be travelling a lot better than many of his erstwhile customers and former mates of WA Sink — and mining magnate Long Hangingcock, so dubbed because he loves to piss all over everybody, which he quite correctly considers his right.
Long is also a prominent entrepreneur over in Draculaland. Just to show what mates are all about, we learned this week that a couple of mates helped Long out in his negotiations with the Draculaland government: former premier Barry Baked, so called because his goose is cooked, and the minister for going overseas all the time and being a perfectly good little prefect, Good Evans. It's nice to know that governments aren't just about helping the unemployed and other privileged members of society, that they also care about Long and other Aussies who take the risks and show the initiative and make all the unemployment possible so that the majority can bludge.
Laurie Conwell showed the real meaning of friendship, helping both Barry Baked and another of our great mates, Alan Stocks-and-bonds, being special adviser to both in the same deal over WA Sink diamonds. What greater friendship can any True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart person have than to collect his commission from both parties in the same deal. And to think that some people say nasty things about Laurie Conwell!
Our great and beloved prime minister Nuclear Hawke this week explained that giving an order of the True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart to Turkish supremo Toesout — named for his favourite method of torture — had nothing to do with liking Toesout or cupation of Cyprus or treatment of minorities or anything else. It was the world's biggest honour ever awarded for nothing at all.