By Kevin Healy
The nation was on tenterhooks, awaiting the momentous decision which would so change the future of True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart. The world's greatest worst treasurer Paul stormed into the office of our great and beloved prime minister Nuclear Hawke on Thursday night, furious that a politician had actually failed to keep a promise.
"You promised me, Nuke. You said, 'Go easy, Paul, and I'll let you play prime minister'. I want to be prime minister, Nuke. You broke your promise. You promised, Nuke. I'm no child living in poverty, don't forget."
"Uh ... Paul ... uh ... don't go around calling me a rat, you treacherous little foulmouth. When you told the nation last year we hadn't had a decent leader, all bet's were off."
"Can't you stand the truth, you cocky-crested little reformed alcoholic? Don't call me treacherous after what you did to poor Billy Hidin'. That poor bastard's in such shock he thought Yarralumla was a psychiatric rest home in South Melbourne."
"I did not rat on Billy Hidin'. I acted to save the nation. if you cared about the nation, you ambitious little scumbag, you'd leave me as PM. I have to say ... uh ... quite modestly ... that I'm the greatest True Blue Aussie since ... well, since no-one. I'm even better than Alan Stocks and Bonds, whom I described as a truly great True Blue. Come to think of it, that was some true blue on my part; I must arrange with Lord kerry to have that film destroyed."
You promised me in front of my mate Billy Killthem. And that fat business bloke you met in Los Angeles that time."
At this point, Nuke broke down. The famous tears swept down his face, flowing through the creases. "Don't you dare denigrate the second greatest True Blue Aussie ever", he sobbed. "Sir Peter Able-to-get-the-government's-ear has enough troubles of his own at the moment."
And thus the combatants came face to face — well, bellybutton to face — in the caucus room. The two great men outlined their differences, creating for caucus a difficult choice between two clearly polarised positions.
"I believe firmly in wage restraint, in slashing wages to the bone", said one.
"I believe firmly in wage restraint, in slashing wages to the bone", said the other. "And in cutting conditions so we can maximise profits."
"I believe in cutting conditions so we can maximise profits. And I believe in creating unemployment to help the economy, and forcing the unemployed off the dole by proving they're all dole bludgers." "I believe in creating unemployment to help the economy, and forcing the unemployed off the dole by proving they're all dole bludgers", said the second, or the first.
It wasn't an easy decision, knowing what a difference it would make to the country.