Bin Laden, Saddam behind pretzel attack
BY ROHAN PEARCE
Central Intelligence Agency director George Tenet believes that there is "credible evidence" linking Osama bin Laden to the attempted assassination of George Bush with a pretzel. Studies by independent counter-terrorism experts have shown the presence of pretzels in the background of recent video statements released by the Saudi-born terrorist.
According to Tenet, there is also evidence, unable to be released due to its sensitive nature, linking Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to the recent influx of suspicious pretzels into the United States. The recent demand to allow UN inspectors to verify the destruction of Iraqi pretzel supplies has been refused by the Iraqi regime.
"We know he's got Goddamned salted snacks somewhere in that palace of his", US defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld stated at a press briefing, "and we'll bomb them until we're sure all materials that can possibly be used in the manufacture of nibblies have been destroyed".
Mossad, the Israeli secret service, has revealed they have evidence linking the pretzel attack to Yasser Arafat and the Palestinian Authority. The Israeli government, renowned for its humane stance of not using pretzels while butchering Palestinians, is believed to have seized packets of the deadly snacks being shipped to the West Bank.
"We don't like our soldiers having to shoot Palestinian youth armed to the teeth with pretzels", said Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. "They can't scream as loudly with their mouths full".
Donut vendors have called on all patriotic US citizens to do their part to support the "anti-pretzel coalition" by discarding salted snacks in favour something sweeter (preferably with stars and stripes icing). Manufacturers of non-pretzel salted snacks have released a statement denouncing pretzels and pledging their full support for the anti-pretzel effort.
Among the measures taken by the US government to fight the pretzel menace is to pass the CRAP Act (Careful Response to Attacks by Pretzels) with almost unanimous support. The act has provisions for detaining suspicious people who spend too long in "supermarket aisles associated with the purchase and/or consumption of the salted snacks specified in section 2(a) of this act".
After recovering from his harrowing experience, Bush made a speech at the White House calling for partners in the anti-pretzel coalition. He warned wayward countries of the world: "You'll eat what we tell you to eat — and you'll like it too."
From Green Left Weekly, January 30, 2002.
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