Life of Riley: Elian, the bogyman's here
Elian! Elian! Where is that boy? Elian, you come to your uncle this minute! Dammit. I got the US government on my doorstep and the friggin' kid's no where to be found.
Elian! Elian! Oh, he's like this all the time. These last five months he's given his dear old uncle no end of trouble. Has no idea what's riding on his arse.
Play — that's all he can think about. Simply has no idea of the big picture. No sense of it at all. The most famous Cuban since ... since ... Desi Arnez (you know — everyone knows Desi. Sure you do. He's the guy who was hitched up to the I Love Lucy broad).
All Elian can think about is Pokemon. I keep telling him: They don't have Pokemon in Cuba. There's no Pikachu there. No one to swap with. Castro won't allow it. Your commie-lovin' dad is sure to burn 'em ...
Bathe in the glory, boy, I tell him. Enjoy. Look after number one. But no, he takes after his father. I offer him the world and all he can think about is playing marbles in the back streets of Havana. And me with air conditioning and a contract signed for a new pool by Christmas. Jesus, these red diaper babies won't listen ...
Elian! Elian! You come out this instant. It's time to play hide and go seek. Wardrobe time. Time to hide. Come out so you can go in.
It's like this every other day. As soon as I mention the you-know-what he runs off. So I got to play smart. I spring it on him. He could be having his Granola and I say: Wardrobe time! And then lock him in. Or he's on the john squeezing off his morning loaf and I say: Wardrobe time! And in he goes. And don't come out, I tell him, until the bogyman leaves.
It worked at first, but now he's got wise so it's getting harder and harder. I gotta offer him Twinkies to go in, or promise him a Pepsi.
But hey! That's the American way, ain't it? So he's learning. He knows a gift horse when he sees it.
That's my boy! Look after number one. And who minds if his dear sweet uncle goes along for the ride. Only in America! So get in the fuckin' wardrobe Elian! Do it! The bogyman's here.
(Don't tell him it's his dad.)
By Dave Riley <dhell@ozemail.com.au>