Adolf Hitler deserves a smile
By Dave Riley
Adolf Hitler was no arsehole. It's true. He had a sweet tooth, was fond of eggs and neither smoked cigarettes nor drank alcohol. He loved Wagnerian opera and refused to eat meat.
So what's a nice guy like Adolf doing carrying the can for World War II? Talk about a bum rap! He just happened to be at the wrong place at the right time.
"People love to bad-mouth me now that I'm dead", he told me recently, "but in my day I used to get good press. Sure, things soured after a time and no-one wanted to know me, but I tell you I was merely a plaything of history. Golly! I'm not the only fascist to make it to the big time. But I was on a roll and while I delivered — first Czechoslovakia and then Poland — I couldn't put a foot wrong.
"When I look back, I reckon that was my problem: I was a victim of my own success. With my heart set on a channel crossing, I was told to settle accounts with those Bolshies to the east instead. By that time I had picked up a fair bit of real estate and thought: this sure beats painting houses for a crust.
"But no, I was reminded that I should finish off what I started. Of course, you know what happened. After knocking off 23 million of those dirty red cockroaches, next thing I know they're crawling all over by bunker in downtown Berlin.
"I tell you, I was bitter. Here I was, Mister Fuehrer, the man who led the whole free enterprise world out of the big slump, horribly defunct in my 56th year of life. Where's the enjoyment in that? Instead of kudos, all I get nowadays is abuse, without — and this really gets my gall! — the opportunity to speak in my defence.
"Who today speaks up for poor old dead Adolf? It was I who helped create the world you enjoy today. No bull! Without me and those anonymous millions who kindly laid down and died, you wouldn't have had it so good these last 50 years.
"Of course, I couldn't have done it all by myself. Let it not be said that Herr Hitler does not give praise where praise is due. In war, it takes two to tango, and I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those governments on both sides of hostilities who kindly contributed their nationals so keenly to the renewal of capitalism in Europe. As wars go, I thought WWII really went off with a bang. Its success was a credit to all.
"Unfortunately, you're a long time dead — and don't I know it! Over time folk have forgotten what a dashing figure I used to be. While I am not asking for sainthood, I hope that some of the blame for the general loss of life and property is lifted from my shoulders. For over 50 years I've played the bad guy, so why can't we give it a rest? Even Hitler deserves a smile sometimes.
"The truth is that capitalism demands martyrs like me. One day you're the best thing since sliced pumpernickel, and history the next. Not once has any corporation listed on the stock exchange been gracious enough to say, thank you Adolf. Talk about persona non grata! I was worth millions to them.
"All that's asked of me now is to roll over and play dammed and dead. Unfortunately, given my current mortal state, I suppose there isn't much I can do about it."