Britain: Don’t be fooled — this is Tory rule

‘The two of them look so lovely together.’ Tory leader and new Priminister David Cameron with Lib Dem leader and new deputy

Right, who knows a way of making “Conservative and Liberal Democrat Coalition, out out out!” scan properly?

Events haven’t been made easier by the news coverage, which involved reporters telling us: “Oh my God, it’s historic, and the two of them look so lovely together, and they’re in the garden, ooohhh, I haven't cried so much since I last saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s."

After the press conference with the Tories’ David Cameron and the Liberal Democrats’ Nick Clegg outside 10 Downing Street, the BBC’s reporter gasped: “It’s extraordinary, and when was the last time you could hear birdsong during a press conference?”

I thought she'd carry on: “It’s as if the thrushes and blackbirds have arranged their own coalition, and all the fluffy animals will be in the cabinet, and the Home Secretary will be a lovely smiley caterpillar.”

A much more stable solution was to keep the chaos going for four years, when it would be time for another election.

Instead there’s this “new” arrangement, in which the Tories have said to the Lib Dems: “We pledge to do exactly what we were going to do anyway, but if you can find some spare chairs we'll let some of you watch.”

And when the Tories say they’re willing to consider electoral reform, you know for some that means we should get one vote each for every field we own.

Because this will be a Tory government.

For now, both parties hail the partnership as a success. A Tory commentator said yesterday: “The friendly greeting given by David Cameron to Nick Clegg at Downing Street was a highly encouraging start.”

Well what did he think Cameron would do? Say: “Oi Clegg, never mind shaking hands, be a decent fag and toast me a crumpet while I chat to Nick Robinson”?

But nothing that made the Lib Dems distinctive, such as cancelling the Trident nuclear weapons program or offering an amnesty to asylum seekers, will be even up for discussion.

Instead they'll be boasting: “The new Budget is a positive example of coalition rule, in that the Conservatives made the economic decisions, but [cabinet business secretary and Lib Dem member] Vince Cable decided on the font it was published in.

“There were tough negotiations, but the closure of the nation's libraries will now be outlined in Times New Roman, so both sides have made compromises, proving this arrangement does work.”

But one issue apparently agreed upon by all the main parties is a government had to be found that would satisfy the markets. Because to solve the economic crisis caused by the people who run the markets, we must pick a government that doesn't upset the people who run the markets.

A consensus has been created that the deficit must must MUST be cut, as if to oppose cuts in welfare and public spending is as futile as trying to stop the laws of physics.

So we’ll now have a period of new modern politics, in which a prime minister from the elite Eton public school and a chancellor from the elite St Paul’s public school in coalition with a chap from the elite Westminster Public School force the bulk of the population to pay for a mess they didn't create, rather than upset the richest 1% who’ve enjoyed an unprecedented rise in their wealth.

On the other hand the Liberal Democrats have already achieved one of their major aims, which is the introduction of the Single Transferable Voting system.

The way it works is fairly simple: you vote Liberal Democrat and you get the bloody Tories.

[Abridged from]