Nostradamus' Media Watch

Wednesday, June 28, 1995 - 10:00

By Craig Cormick

Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

US helicopter rescues increase

Riding high on the political gain from the rescue of US Airforce pilot Captain O'Grady from Serbian-controlled Bosnia, President Bill Clinton begins a series of rolling helicopter rescues around the globe.

The first mission involves 17 attack helicopters which are used to rescue to 11 drunken US businessmen on a business trip to North Korea, when they are surrounded by a crowd of angry consumers, demanding refunds on their subscriptions to US cable TV game shows — which are unavailable in that country.

This is followed by the rescue of two young Utah Mormons who have angered a crowd of Islamic fundamentalists in Iraq when they offer free subscriptions to the "Let's Nuke Saddam Hussein Fan Club".

The ultimate helicopter rescue takes place in the US Capitol building, where Bill Clinton is winched to safety through a hole blown in the roof by a large gunship, when faced by an angry, irritated and increasingly irrational Senate.

Tasmania first Australian republic

Tasmanian Premier Ray Groom declares Tasmania the first Australian state to become a republic. Getting around the constitutional and legal requirements that are hampering the nation, he explains that he will purchase republic status.

In fact, when Tasmania announces this intention, it is inundated with offers from nations varying from Haiti to Sierra Leone.

In the end the Tasmanian government accepts the lowest offer — and the island state changes its legal name to "Republic of Tasmania (incorporated in Malawi)".

Japanese apology for World War II

The Japanese emperor finally issues a public apology for World War II.

In a worldwide broadcast of the popular Mighty Morphin Power Rangers program, an animated representation of the emperor states, "Japan apologises for World War II. We are most sorry at the what the German and Soviet nations and their allies did to the consumers of the West. The world should remember these things, and we are sure the consumers of the present will remember them when making purchases for economical small cars or for personalised electronic equipment."

Bill Clinton describes the Japanese apology as "welcome", but "not quite what we'd expected".