Nostradamus' Media Watch

by Craig Cormick

Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

Mexican elections cancelled

Following the assassination of presidential candidate Luis Donaldo Colosio, the Mexican government cancels the August elections.

The ruling Institutional Revolutionary Party decrees that to save the nation more potential violence and the high costs of elections, the party's preferred nomination will automatically become the next president.

The majority of Mexicans, realising that PRI candidates always win anyway, regardless of their popularity, accept the decision, except in the southern province of Chiapas, where the Zapatista revolution is reignited.

The government compromises by declaring that opposition politicians will also automatically become failed presidential candidates.

ASIO bugs Keating

ASIO's public embarrassment continues when a bug is detected in Paul Keating's bedroom in the Lodge.

Found inside a 16th century, clock-inlaid mahogany cabinet, the device is believed to have been broadcasting the "intimate" noises from the PM's bedroom for several months.

When called on to explain, ASIO denies placing the bug, even though it clearly bears the inscription, "If found, please return to ASIO".

However, a former ASIO officer, appearing on the ABC's Four Corners with a shaded face and plastic nose and glasses, says he was the officer who planted the bug, on orders from a superior, now working as a consultant to the PNG Defence Forces.

He says that the bug had never been intended to be planted in the PM's bedroom. He had misunderstood a direction when told to bug the PM's cabinet.

Elvis alive

A National Geographic research team announces a sighting of Elvis Presley in Tasmania.

The team are in the state's south-west attempting to locate and film a Tasmanian tiger, when an automatic camera captures "the King".

The film is shown worldwide, with grainy shots of Elvis, in white denims, walking slowly across a clearing, pausing to shake his hips, then disappearing into the trees.

UNESCO and CNN judge the footage to be "very convincing" and declare the Tasmanian south-west an internationally protected site of global significance. Federal and state governments agree to limit access to archaeologists who subscribe to the National Geographic and international camera crews.

From GLW issue 138