Life of Riley: The story so far

Wednesday, March 26, 1997 - 11:00

The story so far

Synopsis, being a summary of what has gone before, for the benefit of those who have only recently joined us:

THE HIRED HELP arrive in Port Moresby only to be told to take their bat and ball and go home. "Not today, thank you", says THE ARMY, "We'll manage because we were trained in Australia to do a job: to keep order in the South Seas."

But on the streets of Port Moresby, RIOTING MOBS clash with police, schools and government offices are closed and neighbourhoods sealed off.

THE POLICE, sent to quell the unrest, are told by the crowd to piss off.

THE HIRED HELP, contracted to put down a rebellion on the island of Bougainville, are advised by the army to piss off.

GENERAL SINGIROK, the military commander, whose job it is to keep order throughout the land, is informed that since he mutinied he, too, can piss off.

SIR JULIUS CHAN is similarly informed: "Piss off, Julius!". Meanwhile, THE PEOPLE OF BOUGAINVILLE just want to be left alone.

Now read on: While the crisis worsens, Australia's prime minister, John Howard, is keen to spread the burden of federal government cutbacks evenly among the states. Miffed that PNG chose to spend its military dollars offshore, he is keen that in future all expenditures be contained within strict national accounts. "If I say cut, I mean cut", he tells the states, "but on Bougainville do what you have to to get our mine back. That native title thing simply has to go." Unfortunately, Papua New Guinea failed to attend this year's premiers' conference.

Conclusion: There seems to be some confusion as to who is ruling who.

A VOICE: Tell me about it.

RESPONSE: I just did!

A VOICE: Well, I'm none the wiser for the telling.

RESPONSE: You will be soon, once the cuts really begin to bite and we intervene militarily in PNG. Then you'll know.

A VOICE: I will, will I? Well, you can tell that John Howard fella from me that he can ...

RESPONSE: Can what?

A VOICE: Piss off!

By Dave Riley
E-Mail: dhell@ozemail.com.au.