Life of Riley: Tummy trouble

Wednesday, April 9, 1997 - 10:00

Tummy trouble

A lot of letters we receive are from people with tummy trouble. Nevertheless, they don't want to forgo the delights of consuming a range of different foodstuffs. Can we help them, they ask?

Of course. Let nobody go without because what they like may not like them. No one wants to finish a plate of oysters, or a medley of their favourite sliced smallgoods, only to have to go rushing to the bathroom for most of the next 24 hours.

When out and about, must you always keep a weather eye out for the public convenience? Why be a victim? Why be forced to shun what you enjoy? If this is the sort of person you have become, you must avail yourself of this new service. Otherwise, salmonella's going to get you.

I am referring of course to LORES — the Life of Riley Enjoyment Service.

Here's how it happened. The Commonwealth government has had on its hands for some time a horde of long-term unemployed youth keen to find any work. Many of these young people have now been carefully trained to operate this professional community service.

Previous work for the dole schemes simply did not work. There was nothing in them for the conscripted youth — no little bit extra to make their effort worthwhile.

LORES is different. We offer young people not brutish toil but a tasty square meal, compliments of the federal government's new self-help approach to the unemployed.

Each LORES corp is funded with a regular daily allowance to spend on eating out. Restaurants, delicatessens and takeaways are visited and their menus sampled. The unemployed are fed (often very well indeed). The food purveyor gains much needed custom (thereby keeping workers in jobs).

Thereafter the service comes into its own. If the bowels of any of our corp members protest we check the intestine to isolate the offending foodstuff.

With no regular job to go to, a day here or there spent throwing up or housebound by diarrhoea matters little to these youngsters. It merely breaks the monotony associated with long-term unemployment.

They also obtain recognition as worthwhile members of society because every tummy upset monitored by the Life of Riley Enjoyment Service is utilised for the common good. So when anyone rings us up on our special 0055 number we can tell them what's safe to eat that week and where they can get it.

There's no fuss and no panic (we are ever so discreet). Just tell us the menu you're planning on and we'll check it for bugs. Gone is the hysteria of the past. Unfortunate isolated cases of contamination will always occur. But why should a whole sector of the food industry suffer because some individual forgot to wash their hands or dropped the mettwurst in the dirt?

You never know where it's been, do you? It is better to be sure than sorry. So give LORES a call next time you plan to eat out ... and help a jobless kid at the same time.

By Dave Riley

e-mail: dhell@ozemail.com.au