By Craig Cormick
Forget reading the tea leaves, don't dissect your pets, ignore the latest Ukrainian mystic and other soothsayers who get reported in the media at this time of year. GLW gives you the definitive 1994 predictions.
January: Although slow to begin, native title claims begin trickling in. Most are immediately declared invalid, including a claim upon the Liberal Party's leadership office, made by Senator Bronwyn Bishop.
Bill Clinton reveals that he was one of the many children experimented on with nuclear isotopes in the 1950s, and that it has led to his heightened sex drive. Millions of Americans volunteer for experimentation.
February: Minister for Pacific Development Gordon Bilney is lost over the Pacific on his way to an international aid conference in Fiji, where he is to deliver the keynote paper. No-one notices.
In Victoria, Premier Jeff Kennett abolishes Easter holidays.
March: A volcanic eruption, typhoon and a coup in the Philippines all occur in the same afternoon, but the foreign press corps are attending a long lunch hosted by the Japanese Historical Friendship Society, so none of the events are reported and therefore didn't happen.
In the USA President Clinton is reported as being "on the ropes". This is followed by allegations that he has also been "against the cabinet", "on the rug" and "up against the drapes".
April: Bronwyn Bishop unsuccessfully stands for leadership of the Liberal Party and is so humiliated at receiving only one vote that she resigns and declares she will be standing for the Greens.
Jeff Kennett abolishes ANZAC day.
May: Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir is offended by a repeat of the Australian TV show Skippy. The episode refers to a visitor missing a plane to Australia while "hanging around" in Kuala Lumpur. Gareth Evans flies to Malaysia to attempt to sort out the tensions, but is arrested at the airport.
June: Bronwyn Bishop unsuccessfully stands for selection to the Greens, and is so humiliated at receiving only one vote of support that she declares she will be standing for the presidency of the National Party.
The Malaysian government demands a public apology from Paul Keating before Gareth Evans will be released. Keating decides not submit to extortion, quoting Gareth Evans' position on international terrorism.
Gordon Bilney is appointed acting foreign minister. Still no-one notices his absence.
July: There is an early morning coup in Russia, in which disaffected royalist members of the far right occupy Boris Yeltsin's country dacha, imprisoning him inside, and declare the area an independent alcohol- tax-free republic.
President Clinton offers to send President Yeltsin military support, as soon as he can free himself from a delicate position that has him in a bind, and he calls on the world community to support him. Paul Keating offers to send a naval patrol boat
August: Bronwyn Bishop unsuccessfully stands for selection to the National Party, and is so humiliated at receiving only one vote of support that she declares she will be standing for the presidency of the newly declared Alcohol-Tax Free Republic of Boris Yeltsin's Dacha.
The US-led military support to aid Boris Yeltsin falters while President Clinton is forced to go on Oprah Winfrey and testify to the North American people about his sex life.
The Malaysian government begins cutting off pieces of Gareth Evans and sending them to Canberra. Paul Keating announces he will not back down and will simply reassemble the pieces in Gareth Evans' office until he has his foreign minister back.
September: The coup in Russia ends as the rebels run out of tax-free vodka, due to economic embargoes and a lousy national transport system, and they are so oppressed by reality and the Russian state of angst that they surrender to a visiting Rotary delegation.
Another devastating insurrection, volcano and typhoon strike the Philippines, but they occur during the global telecast of Oprah Winfrey's ordination as pope of the reformed Roman Catholic Church, and therefore didn't happen.
October: A video is smuggled out of a Malaysian prison in which Gareth Evans tells the Australian nation not to lose heart, that he is holding up well and that he is occupying his time giving lectures on international diplomacy to fellow inmates.
Gordon Bilney is appointed, in absentia, to the inner cabinet.
November: Bill Clinton sues his own government for negligence in undertaking dangerous nuclear experiments upon him, and is reportedly offered Madonna as an out of court settlement.
December: Bronwyn Bishop successfully stands for selection to the parliament of the new Alcohol-Tax-Free Republic of Boris Yeltsin's Dacha and is awarded a seat at the United Nations. She immediately announces her intention to stand for secretary general.
Prison riots in Malaysia lead to the release of what remains of Gareth Evans. His fellow inmates, unable to contemplate another year of lectures, demand he be returned to Australia immediately.
Jeff Kennett abolishes Christmas, but under pressure from religious groups declares it a day of special leave for those who can produce a certificate to show they attended church.