Nostradamus' Media Watch

By Craig Cormick

Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.

Flag-led recovery

Australian exports rise by $25 billion in the last quarter of 1995, largely attributed to Australian flags ordered by the Chinese and Indonesian governments for burning.

In deforested northern provinces of China, local authorities place orders for tens of thousands of flags, which are burnt for heating and cooking fuel.

Gareth Evans refuses to succumb to international pressure to outlaw flag burning until the Indonesian government orders 10,000 copies of his remaindered Red Book on international affairs and burn it to power their government access to CNN. He then introduces legislation banning the burning of flags outside any embassy.

He defends the decision with a guest appearance on the popular show Gladiators, filmed in Parliament House during question time, stating that the bill is intended to protect the ozone layer and the atmosphere.

Super internet

Rupert Murdoch makes a multimillion-dollar bid for a new cable TV show, Super Internet, in which subscribers can see on-line conversations between user groups.

After the US and Australian Senates pass legislation preventing him from covering sex-based groups, which make up 88% of the Internet by December, he premiers Geek-chat. The show features Mac and PC users debating the finer points of Microsoft's new system software, Windows '95.

After initial low ratings, the program leaps to global dominance when the user group becomes suddenly dominated by topless porno systems analysts, with guest appearances by stars including Michael Jackson and John Wayne Bobbit.

Saddam Hussein toppled

Jordan opens its borders to all of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's relatives.

Any Iraqi citizen willing to claim a distant relationship to Hussein is granted sanctuary and, courtesy of the US government, US$200 and a year's subscription to Rupert Murdoch's Super Topless Internet.

Within six months the population has halved and Saddam Hussein himself is apprehended at the border, claiming to be his own distant cousin, and filling out his subscription for cable TV installation.

From GLW issue 200