By Craig Cormick
Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked
documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus'
Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political
events across the globe.
Banks explain interest rate hikes
Australia's major banks form a cartel, lift interest
rates once again, and issue a complex personal letter to each
customer announcing the rise and saying that the letters are an
indication of new higher standards of service.
Consumer groups cry foul, but the banks refer them to
the contents of the letters, which are now delivered weekly.
According to the banks, low inflation means high interest rates
are needed to sustain the ratio of CPI to GDP in a climate of
fiscal fluctuation.
According to consumer groups this is economic bullshit
and leaked documents show that the rate rises have nothing to do
with variable economic acronyms. But the banks respond that the
rate increases are needed to pay for the customised letters they
are sending out.
Dan Quayle back in the race
After bowing out of the 1996 presidential race for lack
of funds, Dan Quayle announces he is back in the running after
receiving an anonymous donation of $30 million.
President Clinton is said to be disappointed; he had
been on the verge of declaring a new national holiday to
celebrate Quayle's withdrawal.
Quayle had previously said he could not afford the $30
million minimum entry fee for the race and would have to retire
to some field of commerce. The US Chamber of Commerce refuses to
comment, but is set to declare its own national holiday.
Quayle's anonymous benefactor is then discovered to be
Rupert Murdoch, who defends the donation: “What's it got to
do with supporting Dan Quayle? This is about keeping him in the
headlines: his gaffes sell more newspapers than Clinton's policy
speeches. You can't buy people like Dan Quayle -- they're born
that way.”
Russia defeats Chechnya
Russia finally succeeds in capturing the rebel state of
Chechnya. After months of humilating defeats, the Russian
generals, using a Harvard marketing consultant, employ Australian
mercenary troops to fan out beyond the city of Grozny and occupy
the entire country.
The mercenaries are in fact unemployed young Liberal
Australian tourists from London, who are promised free beer and a
coach tour through the southern regions of the former Soviet
Union.
Dressed in gold and green Australian football
guernseys, the under-30 yobbos descend on Grozny looking for a
cold beer and ransack the entire country in their quest.
The Chechnyan government can do nothing in the face of
the marauding hordes except complain to the UN at the violation
of the laws of war.
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